Last weekend my family and I drove up to visit some friends whom we have not spent time with for a long time. They moved to a city about 2-3 hours away from us 4 or 5 years ago and to our fault this is the first time we have gone to visit them in their new town.
Because they had left the area, they stopped attending the local "church" we attended at the time with them. While they were there, we had developed a close relationship with them and got together with them at times other than the "church services".
Since they left town we have only occasionally kept in touch with email and a few phone calls... that is about it. But visiting them this weekend was fun because it felt like we were able to pick up where we left off with our relationship. We had an intentional relationship with them. We got together with them to get to know them better and we did it on purpose, not just because of convenience or obligation.
Others at our old religious organization (church) that we used to know only because we saw them every week "at church"... we have not heard from them. I don't think we would have the same kind of relationship if we saw them again.
Our friends had noticed the same disconnect when they moved. They tried to stay in touch with people who they had done things with at the "old church" and found that it was no longer convenient for these people to keep the relationship going.
Now, I know we have not gotten together for a long time, and it is because of obligations and a lack of "convenience" too... but because we had established an intentional relationship with them before, there was a closer connection that we could re-establish with intentional effort.
During our conversation with them about this I mentioned that I didn't want to deal with "convenient" relationships anymore... I wanted to pursue more intentional ones because those are the only ones that mean anything.
I think this is where the institutional church has trouble successfully nurturing "relational Christianity" because by nature they are an organization and a program... they are gathering and a meeting more than anything else (or at least that is how most people define or describe a 'church') So people react in kind and establish convenient relationships more than intentional ones. Convenient relationships are also very easy ones to wear as masks and never let people into their lives.
It is much like a recent article I read talking about how orphans raised by the state institutions have so many problems and are lacking in the ability to relate to others as well as people who grew up in a healthy family based in love.
Love and true Christian community is founded in Christ's love, and Christ's love is intentional... not merely convenient.
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
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4 comments:
Well said!
Glad to see you back to writing again. Will be reading...
Seems more like you are blaming the "institution" for not forcing intentional relationships. Seems like, mind you. I know full well that as I read your posts, I do NOT know you nor your circumstance. I am not responding to what you mean but actually to my interpretation of your words (and looking at those two pronouns, that's pretty scary!).
I found intentional relationships at my "church." Not because the institution forced us to, but because it was, among other great things, a collection of humans. There was a pool of humans in which I might find someone that I WANT to connect with. Typically someone that had some core commonalities and some enjoyable differences.
But that leads to a diversity issue. Am I intentionally a friend to those that I would not naturally be? And is this not a necessity for there to be "unity" (my intentional friends have a certain uniformity, that's why we're friends!)?
its not that I am "Blaming" the Instituional church for not forcing intentional relationships. When we were involved in a more institional style church we did pursue intentional personal relationships... I'm just saying that the "organizational" structure of the typical church has more of a tendancy to make people think they don't need to pursue intentional relationships because they think they get their fellowship by "attending church events". But what we found is that after we had left that organization... the "releationships" we had with people were no deeper than the meetings and gatherings. Only a small handfull of the relationships had the impitus to go beyond those meetings and those were the ones where we had intentionaly built them. Those which we thought were close relationships but were only out of convienience because of the church meetings went no further than the meetings.
I really love your phrase "intentional relationships". For me, intentional has included everyone I see in a normal day...the (semi) regular attendant where I get gas, the clerks at my favorite market, my co-workers, people who work in other offices in this building, and friends and family. Intentionally, I introduce myself, and then watch where the Lord takes the relationship. Although I should never be surprised at the friendships He forges, through me, I still am. People who I would in the past have had nothing in common with become someone who Jesus loves. No matter where they are in their walk, or if they have even taken the first step, He loves them through me. Perhaps intentional relationships need not only include people with whom we feel a bond?
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